#Confrontation March 26

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I was asked a tough question last week. What leadership lessons did I fail at? My answer was short and painful, CONFRONTATION.

The person asking the question gave me a back handed compliment by saying I struck them as someone who had learned from mistakes, not repeated them. I told them thanks but their assessment was far from perfect. I went on to explain how a lack of CONFRONTATION at different points of my career taught me painful lessons. As my friend Dr. Rich Cosentino would often say “The scars of experience teach you a lot”.

CONFRONTATION does not mean you are demeaning, callous, or indifferent. In fact I realize now that CONFRONTING issues or behaviors of team members is actually the complete opposite. You care enough to challenge yourself to engage in something uncomfortable. You go thru that pain in order to help someone grow. CONFRONTATION has to be delivered with a lot of relationship trust.

Here are some specific examples during my career where I dropped the ball by not CONFRONTING soon enough. I was consumed by my own fears or inadequacies and failed to act like a caring leader.

1. Ignoring Bad News-Hoping it will just disappear. I had occasions where I did not confront the issue or the behavior only to see it become worse. Lesson learned don’t try to hide bad news.
2. Ignoring complaints, not returning phone calls or emails. I learned a few techniques over time. Sleeping before responding to any scathing personal email or voice mail. Where possible meet the person doing the complaining face to face. Not responding or dismissing the complaint usually finds the issue escalating. I have also asked the person doing the complaining the following question. “What are you asking me to do”. I have been shocked the most common response I would get would “nothing I just wanted someone to listen”.
3. Unacceptable behavior. A team member you are leading is not going to change their unacceptable behavior unless they are CONFRONTED. The process is very seldom instant. It requires patience. One thing that DOES not work is avoiding the issue. One of the biggest decision leaders will make is that person worth the investment of their time. Is the behavior because they don’t know how they are acting, they don’t know how to act, or they just don’t care? I believe most people do care and can change if you can reach their hearts. It won’t always work out but it is worth trying. If they cannot meet behavioral expectations they have to understand the consequences. Letting the behavior go unaddressed does not solve the issue. It has to be CONFRONTED.
4. Failing or delaying to make a hard decision. Some decisions are based on facts. Often times as a leader you have information that the entire team does not see. The biggest default emotion many leaders have is we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. So to avoid that we do nothing. Not making a decision so you prevent one person from being disappointed at the expense of what is best for the entire team is a mistake.

Sometimes being asked a tough question results in the answer being the pathway to better leadership.